I Am Not Okay
My youngest daughter recently bought a house with her boyfriend, and she will soon be moving out. I know I need to be proud of the woman she has become and the future she is starting. I know I cannot keep her with me forever, and I have been blessed to have had her in this house for 23 years. I know all this, but when she started to clean out her bathroom yesterday, I felt a wave of panic.
When I said to her, “Don’t leave.” She replied, “Mom, I’m only going to be 20 minutes away.” She doesn’t realize that doesn’t matter to me. All I can think about is I won’t wake up when she opens her door to get ready for work, and she won’t come to my door and say, “mom?”, so I can assess her fashion choice from my closet. I won’t hear that cute giggle as often, and I won’t be waiting for her to pull in the driveway at 4, waiting to hear all her stories from the day.
While I know I am selfish, I am overwhelmed with emotions, and I keep wishing for more time. I can no longer go into her room and sit with her while she shares her thoughts with me. We won’t watch Ever after for the tenth time.
It’s possible that it is harder this time because she is my last child, but I am dreading the space without her. I know many people look forward to being an empty nester, but this empty nester is not okay.
